Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
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It was like getting head from an anaconda
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
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I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?