I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl