when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
