can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
