We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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