he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
