Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
