Kiss
Puke
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
