he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
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U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
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Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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