I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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