I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
