every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
