dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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