New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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