I wish I could punch you in the face.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
