Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
