You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
