My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
