too bad you live with your parents still
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
