Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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