note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So much rum. So many feels.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
