the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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