WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
