he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
