Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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