I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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