He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
