so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
