the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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