pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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