Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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