He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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