I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
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I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I love you. Go after that dick
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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