Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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