took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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