this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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