this beer tastes like vomit already
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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