If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
