worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
