I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
