I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
