Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
