Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It's blow job season.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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