APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
