You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
