I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
