She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
