I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
