i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
pop tarts are not kleenex
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i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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