I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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