Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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