Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
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Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
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