wakey wakey hands off snakey
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"