My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
