I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
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It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
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I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke