I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.