My friends, they love my intelligence
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy