I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
