There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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