You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
